Mantrazine

On Giving and Receiving Gifts

Shubhangi Kulkarni — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 21:54:00 GMT

Do you like to give and receive gifts?

It is very much energizing to know and feel that somebody thinks, cares and loves us. People use various creative ways to convey this feeling, and giving gifts could be one of those many ways.

With holiday season around eth corner, TV commercials, advertisements in the magazines, and catalogs are full of a single inherent message -“buy if you truly love, and that’s the only way to show your love”.

The Internet is flooded with articles on shopping tips and suggestions. Discussions about gifting are in full swing.

I did this exercise of talking in person or on phone with many of my friends and people at workplace about gifts and have some interesting findings. Instead of reporting them right away, let me ask you some questions about what you think about gifts. If you want to keep your opinions private let me know, otherwise you can post it directly on this blog.

I will report the findings in my next blog.
Here are the questions:

When you GIVE gifts:
1. Do you feel pressure to give?
2. Do you feel obligated to return the gift when someone gives you a gift?
3. Do you shop online for gifts? Always, Often, Sometimes, Never
4. Do you ask people (near ones) what they would like to have as a gift?
5. Do you consider other person’s tastes or do you keep a stock of some common things which you can gift to anybody?
6. Do you give a gift receipt?
7. Do you like to give gift cards or do you think they are very impersonal or lack feelings?
8. Do you give cash gifts?
9. Do you send/give greetings card?
10. What do you think about e-cards?

When you RECEIVE gifts:
1. What is your immediate reaction?
2. What do you do when you don’t like the gift or you have similar stuff?
3. Do you re-gift? Do you think its ok?
4. What type of gifts do you re-gift?
5. Do you donate gifts? Usually to whom/where?
6. Do you like when someone gives you cash? Gift card?
7. Do you like greetings cards? What do you do with them?

Any other thoughts on gifts?

The disease of “not having enough”

Shubhangi Kulkarni — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 20:31:00 GMT

It is interesting how synchronicity works and the same thought keeps coming to you from all the directions. The article in New York Times on August 7, 2007 titled “In Silicon Valley, Millionaires do not feel rich”, the interview of the Stress Management Coach and a writer on KQED, and the recent program again on KQED about the people living in Uganda where the daily food is a luxury due to inflation, triggered me to write this article.

I am fully convinced that many of us (*), self included, are suffering from this disease called “not having enough”. We fail to notice it, or have different names for the symptoms we experience. We call it progress, ambition, growth and many more… We feel the scarcity that we do not have enough. We may not have enough wealth, enough career, enough success, enough this and enough that. The list can go on and on. We are surrounded by Joneses and even if we try not to catch up, it is really hard not to do so.

The article in New York Times included the interviews of Silicon Valley Millionaires which reminded me again of the famous Law of Adaptation. The law states that we quickly adapt to the situation and status we are in, and what was imagined and thought to be success fails to please us. We feel happy for some time and then again return to the same thoughts of not having enough.

When I read the statistics that if you own a car –just one per family- then that automatically puts you in the top 10% people in the whole world, I was surprised and felt fortunate to be top 10%. When I tried to share this thought enthusiastically with one of my friends, she promptly disagreed. “Your idea of comparing self with the entire world itself is totally wrong. One should compare and look for the similar ones”.
“Hey, one cannot do without a car here, it’s not a big deal, and it’s a necessity here in US.” – I am hearing this and similar thoughts from the readers.

I am not going to quote all the millionaires and what they feel and say but here is the representative thought from one of them.

“Mr. Kremen, a 43-year-old founder of Match.com, a popular online dating service estimated his net worth at $10 million. That puts him firmly in the top half of 1 percent among Americans, according to wealth data from the Federal Reserve, but barely in the top echelons in affluent towns like Palo Alto, Menlo Park and Atherton. So he logs 60- to 80-hour workweeks because, he said, he does not think he has nearly enough money to ease up.” – (Taken from the NYT article)

The reactions of the readers will definitely depend on multiple complex factors like the location, careers, educational, social and financial status of the people reading it.

On the closing note: Spend a few minutes checking your own thoughts on how you feel about your resources. Well, are you saying you don’t have “enough time” to do that?

(*-“us” in this article is referring to the people who are able to live and maintain the lifestyle in Silicon Valley, CA, US)

Lesson from Mother Nature

Shubhangi Kulkarni — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 00:39:00 GMT

“We are here on this earth for 2 reasons- Fun and Education”- says Richard in his book "Illusions". "Illusions” and “Jonathan Livingston Seagull” by Richard Bach are the books I love very much. I was so thrilled with this thought when I first read it that I started a game of finding either fun or education in every situation. It is very fascinating when I get both.

7 years ago, I was very upset by the behavior of this small shrub in the atrium when we moved in to our present house. Nothing seemed to work- neither fertilizer, nor regular watering, nor pruning, nor caring, nor touching, nor talking… I would spend some time during the week trying to establish some connection with this quiet plant who, I thought, had forgotten its true nature. It was not dying, and it was not thriving either. It definitely appeared to be a flowering shrub based on where it was planted and the looks of its foliage. The leaves dropped off in about 2 weeks, but its weak trunk still exhibited life, so I didn’t gather courage to uproot it.

3 years went by. I kept waiting. In the meantime I stopped paying attention to it and even forgot. Small leaves appeared proving that it’s alive, and then dropped off after some time.

Though I didn’t realize it, I might have had this subconscious thought that it “should” flower because I was taking good care of it. Though I don’t remember inspecting and challenging my thought process, in retrospect, I feel ashamed of my too egotistical thoughts (though subconscious) related to its flowering and survival.

Who was I to think that I was taking good care of it? Who was I to believe that the factors associated with its flowering were only linked to “my caring”?

After 3 years, one day I noticed that small leaves appeared. This time they didn’t fall off and after 2 weeks buds announced their presence and they bloomed into tiny pink flowers! The plant finally bloomed! It bloomed when I least expected it. It bloomed when I had given up all the hopes and even stopped caring for it.

The plant was just waiting there for all these years. It was waiting for the right blend of climatic conditions and resources, waiting for my ego to wither away, waiting to prove to me that it was not just me, but so many other conditions and factors that contributed to its blooming. It was waiting to teach me the most humble lesson I learnt in my life. Its purpose was not to behave just as a plant but also to educate as a philosopher.

The plant still stands. Not in the atrium, but in the backyard. I am still exploring the ways that might suit it and so replanted it in the backyard. It has taught me in its unique way that though many things are not under my control, something could definitely be influenced by my thoughts and actions.

It had bloomed last summer in the new location and I am eagerly waiting to see what it does this year! If it blooms I will have fun and if it doesn’t, I will have more education.

Unfulfilled Expectations

Shubhangi Kulkarni — Wed, 02 May 2007 16:21:00 GMT

I was thinking to write about stressors in our daily lives and when I thought of unfulfilled expectations as one of the major stressors, it appeared too big a topic in itself. I finally decided to talk about unfulfilled expectations first before talking about the rest.

Sadness, grief, frustration, helplessness, sleeplessness, depression and other negative emotions have their origin in various causes. Do you think that most of the time unfulfilled expectations from others and self could be the source of these negative emotions? (I am not considering the death of the near ones and illness here. BTW, both the topics could still be unfulfilled expectation of being around or of being healthy)

I think logic is illogical when it comes to the domain of emotions, but when the emotions get too disturbing then maybe it’s a good idea to try to enforce some logic.

Many a times we are frustrated because of someone not behaving or acting the way we want. We start thinking that they are the reason for our frustration and unless they correct themselves our frustration will not go away. We are very convinced that the source of our frustration lie “outside” of us over which we have no or very little control. It’s very easy to blame others, and so we choose to do the same. Whining feels so good sometimes, and then we attract the moaners and groaners around us who reinforce the same thought instead of challenging it.

I am no exception. Very recently I realized and accepted one fact in myself. It was very hard to do so in the beginning, but finally I accepted. The realization was: the more I am dissatisfied with self, the more I expect from others. The dissatisfaction could be due to trivial reasons like my lesson didn’t go that well as planned in school or I made a typo (in spite of spell-check!) in the question paper, or due to the big ones like I am missing my three-monthly deadline to achieve my set goals or the like.

Now during some weak moments when I find myself bothered by unfulfilled expectations from others, I ask myself a question. Is there anything I can do over which I have direct control over? Fortunately I have so many things on my agenda which I am struggling to do right now that wasting time on somebody else’s behavior or expecting something from someone appears very distant.

Don’t you think it’s a good idea to be selfish and focus on what “one can do” instead of focusing and complaining about what “others” are doing or not doing?

Is Life Continuous?

Shubhangi Kulkarni — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 05:32:00 GMT

On November 26, 2006, the 60-minutes show featured a 14 year old boy Jay who has already composed 5 symphonies. The boy started reading when he was 2, and started drawing musical notes when he was 3. They showed the pictures of the musical staff signs and the musical instruments he drew then. The parents shared that the family did not have any musical background and they too were surprised wherefrom he picked up this liking at such an early age. They said that they still marvel at his talents.

When interviewed, Jay told the News Reporter that he does not know how he gets the music. He said that he hears the symphonies in his head and does not need any musical instrument to transform them to music. He just hears them, writes them on paper and rarely edits his music. Whatever comes to him first is what it is. He doesn’t know the origin of it, but hears it very clearly. He says that sometimes he even hears it as a multi-channel radio station tuned simultaneously to 2 or 3 stations.

When I hear such things that cannot be explained with the concept of discontinuous life, I keep wondering about existence of life before birth and continuation of life after death. This span of time before birth and after death is always scarily fascinating to me.

I kept thinking about it for a long time after the program was over. I remembered the book “Ageless Body and Timeless Mind” by Deepak Chopra. I thought of revisiting it again after listening to this program.

Don’t you agree that certain things are outright impossible to explain logically? Do we have to find explanation and answers to everything we experience? Is it not more logical sometimes to accept the limitation of human brain and leave aside the futile exercise of finding answers and tune to our hearts?

Suddenly I had a revelation that night. The thought was so empowering and so crystal clear that I do not doubt it to be false. I do not know whether I believe that the life after death exists, and whatever I do really matters after I die, but on that night after listening to Jay’s story, I got the intuition that something can be definitely carried forward. I remember being overjoyed and that joyous state kept me awake for a long time on that night.

It was such a relief to know that whatever I want to accomplish, I have unlimited time to do so. I just need to focus on trying to do whatever I sincerely believe in without expecting the results in the known or measurable time frame.

I believe that I could be “Jay” some day!

Shubhangi

One great teacher in my class

Shubhangi Kulkarni — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 14:12:00 GMT

I thought I had patience till the day I found myself raising my voice 3^rd time in my High School Class which I teach at Kennedy Fremont, CA. One student is being defiant and disrespectful all the time, and keeps on saying the things that occur to him at that very moment. He has told me that I am biased and am not doing my duty right. He says that it’s my fault that he is getting a failing grade. He openly blames me that I am a bad teacher. It’s always me and whatever happens to him, it’s always my fault. The list goes on and on.

Every time I have been given such a present of painful words, I repeat telling myself a story about Buddha. Buddha remained calm when somebody openly cursed him. The smile on his face was unperturbed and he didn’t say a word. One of his disciples asked him later how he could be so calm in such a situation. Buddha answered that he didn’t take it. He explained that nobody can give you anything if you refuse to accept.
It was very easy to get impressed when I read this story in my teenage years. It is very difficult to implement it in practice when given a chance.

I keep trying everyday. There are a few weak moments when I find asking myself what I have received by being considerate and helpful to him for so long. When the weak moments turn strong and positive then I think about the gifts this student is offering me daily.

I am not sure whether I succeeded in teaching him anything, but

He is there to teach me patience
He is there to teach me not to expect the results of my actions
He is there to teach me to increase my limits and keep on doing the things I sincerely believe in no matter what
He is there to teach me that no one can give me anything if I refuse to accept
He is there to teach me the story of Buddha which impressed me when I was of his age.
He is there to teach me creativity to explore what's more to learn from this situation
He is there to teach me that I may not get positive results from the situation, but what I can become after going through the situation itself is the greatest gift

I have this one great teacher in my class in addition to the other 31. J

Striving to be perfect?

Shubhangi Kulkarni — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 02:31:00 GMT

Striving to be perfect?

“What is the distinction between perfection and excellence to you?” my mentor coach asked me yesterday when we were discussing to start a blog. She asked me this when I mentioned to her that I had been thinking about starting one for more than 6 months. I already have some small snippets scattered all over waiting to be perfected so that they could be published.

Yes, it’s been more than six months. Where am I stuck?

I think my blog “should be” grammatically correct; “should be” well punctuated, “should have” systematic and logical flow of thoughts, “should have” a catchy opening, a healthy body, crisp, appropriate, and thought provoking closing, and this big list of “shoulds” continues. I am not talking about any research paper to be published in an international journal or the dissertation for a doctoral degree, but just a blog. A one page babbling which people might not read, or read and forget the next moment, or might grab the thought and use it as a trigger to change their perspective. Does the perfection of language really matter in that case?

I do not remember the exact sentences I said when I answered her question, but it was something like the available perfection is being 100 % correct and excellence being the best with physical, mental, and intellectual resources.

“Do you think perfection is ever attainable?” my mentor coach continued.

Hmm, maybe not, I kept thinking. How many times do I think that the things are perfect? Even if they are fantastic, most of the time I always find some areas where things could have been improved or been handled differently and maybe more creatively. In that case, the feeling of perfection is missing anyways and appears illusive. Excellence, on the other hand, is like a journey that takes oneself to a higher level.

The questions asked by my coach were very successful in triggering the thought process. I even found myself thinking about perfectionism as inhuman. Does the exaggerated desire to be always right subconsciously undermine my natural human tendencies to err? Am I less-forgiving of self and less appreciative of others by expecting perfection? By expecting myself to be perfect, am I striving to reach a non-existent destination? The thought process still continues…

Should I wait for it to complete, so that I can add 10 more thoughts to this blog?

Should I spend some more time reading, rereading and editing this blog, so that it is better than what is it now?

No. This is my first blog. I have ample chances to improve my writing.

With the perfection definition revisited, I know that this is not perfect but I am also sure that the sheer act of writing my first blog is very excellent!